Confused & frozen

One of the assignments today is to shoot a picture of your subject portraying a specific mood by using various light sources. An open assignment in which we can choose ourselves what to do. Nice, you would think. Well, my mind completely freaks out. I panick. I have no idea what to shoot. What mood? How to light my subject? Where? My mind takes me for a ride and comes with all sorts of complicated scenarios, way too many options to choose from and no idea where to start. I literally freeze.

Trapped
My fellow student doesn’t seem to have any problem with the assignment. She challenges herself and wants to portray me in a sad and trapped mood. She rapidly finds a suitable corner in the room and puts up the light. I surrender to a sad, lost look. Ha, how beautifully orchestrated is that with how I feel…

A few hours later…
I go for a walk in the Company Gardens. I feel confused and decide to sit myself down with my diary. I look for a spot in the shade and order a drink. I wonder what happened this morning. Do I need to do something about it? Where does it come from? I am a bit worried. Am I still on track? Is this the course for me? Isn’t life supposed to be kind and relatively smooth and easy once you follow your joy? Is that really what I think?

True self
I reflect back on the past few years. Ever since I decided to consciously follow my joy, life has become interesting, to say the least. Far less easy than it ever was before. Not such a smooth ride. Quite a bumpy one, honestly. With ups and downs. With intense love and incredible heartbreak. With days full of flow and days full of mood swings, circling thoughts and doubt. Waking up to one’s true self doesn’t come easy, I suddenly realise.

Magic
I take another sip of my freshly squeezed juice and look around. Look at where you are, San! You find yourself in the most amazing gardens of Cape Town. A true oasis in the middle of the city.

A place that again and again brings me back to me. I smile and look at the photograph. Trapped. Yes, that is how I felt. A fear that was suddenly put in the spotlight. Life has a magical way of showing us who we are and what we may learn.

Intensity
And that is exactly what I asked for about three years ago. I felt a big void inside myself and decided to embark on a journey that would enrich my soul. I wanted to truly LIVE life. And I discovered that ‘following your joy’ means exactly that: living YOUR life. The life that is waiting for you. Following your inner voice, making illogical (ie. non-rational) decisions, embracing the magic of life and being faced with both incredible beauty and also quite a few ego-minded-fearful-darker sides… Following your joy means an increased intensity of everything. And deep within I still feel truly happy about this journey, but gosh what a ride!

#followyourjoy #play #livinglife #soulful #spotlight #cinematography #CTSP

Love, Sandra

Photocredits: Ronel van der Merwe

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